Just Because

I have mentioned before about clients having a story and how much I love to learn about each woman and the reasons behind her booking. There is always more than this just being a gift even if that is the main objective. In the boudoir community we(photographers) will sometimes hear the negative about what we do. How it’s referred to as… and I feel ridiculous even saying this but, porn. LOL! We hear opinions on how it degrades women or religious views stating how it is wrong and why. Fine, I say. Anyone can choose to believe what they want when they are only looking from the outside and have no first hand experience with it but I will loudly, and very proudly disagree. I know first hand the effects a boudoir shoot has on women. I know how hard it is to even take that first step to call or email. And then actually DO IT! I understand the insecurities about our bodies as we age and have children. I understand the loss of feeling young and sexy and I can totally relate to the over all thoughts of not feeling pretty enough in general. It’s a tough word that we live in. The constant judgments, physical scrutiny and the “ideals” that society puts on a woman. What I do is far from porn or degrading to women. It is an experience that’s empowering, enlightened and definitely, fun. It brings back confidence and sexiness and at times it even shows a woman a beauty that she never knew existed. Time after time after time I am told just how amazing each woman feels after spending just a short while in front of my lens. And for that I can say, believe all the negatives you want about Boudoir Photography, but I know the truth!

A few months back I received the sweetest inquiry from a very nervous girl. When I sat across from her for the first time I could see her excitement and anxiety all wrapped up in one. What was most humbling was her honesty and willingness to share her story with me. Here was this beautiful woman who, and I’ll be perfectly honest, most of us gals would look at and think, *Sigh* I wish… That old adage we learned in grade school, “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover” is so true on many levels. The truth was, this beautiful woman, wasn’t feeling what everyone else can see. This would be more than just a boudoir session for her. This was truly a step that took many months… really, years, to get to. She was ready to fight back and succeed at this “challenge”. Not just as an amazing thank you to her husband for all his support through her ups and downs but most of all a gift to herself that took all her courage and determination to do.

After such a long winded intro…haha, I feel very honored that she is willing to share more of her story and her experience at Boudoir Coterie with all of you. So without further adu, here is what Miss J had to say:

If anything were possible, what would you change about yourself physically? This is a question we’ve probably all been asked. I’d wager some popular answers are a smaller waist, bigger breasts, perfect abs or straighter teeth. Nowadays, nearly all of these “improvements” are attainable and fairly easily so if someone is motivated enough. Generally speaking, it seems most people opt not to pursue actual physical adjustments due to cost, pain or the inconvenience of upkeep. Also, many people likely can think of a part of themselves they’d change but aren’t consumed by it or bothered by it enough to take any drastic action. But what about people who are plagued constantly by a negative body image – so repulsed by even finite parts of themselves that they find it hard to function effectively, form meaningful relationships with others or even leave the house? These people do exist, their pain is devastating and their condition is real. It’s called Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), and while it ranges in presentation and severity, it is undeniably a heavy burden for all those suffering from it and being little-well-known is difficult to treat. It mimics many symptoms of anorexia/bulemia and is categorized under the spectrum of Obsessive Compulsive Disorders (OCD).

Recently I was diagnosed with BDD, and while it wasn’t a huge shock, it was a tough pill to swallow. I always sensed something might be wrong, but it was easier to ignore that feeling. On the one hand, it felt like a great sigh of relief to put a name to my problem – to know I wasn’t alone and that maybe there was hope. On the other hand, I felt embarrassed, stupid, ugly, crazy and ashamed.

I can remember being as young as 6 years old and being hyper aware of what my belly looked like, always sucking it in and positioning my body in such a way to never look fat or pudgy. For the last 20 years I’ve spent countless hours a day checking my figure from all angles, leaving one mirror and being compelled to check the next one I passed even if it was just down the hall. I would literally measure my waist and weigh myself several times a day – agonizing over the number and basing my daily food allowence on the results. I would stare into the mirror so closely that I would feel bothered by the size of my pores, skin cells on even a basic microscopic scale and feel like my features and limbs were expanding before my eyes. I would get dressed then change countless times, generally into increasingly baggy/shapeless outfits – clothes I felt I could breathe in. I’d find it difficult to avoid staring at others, comparing myself to them – are they skinnier? They look so mature compared to me. They have a beautiful unblemished complexion. She has sex appeal and confidence. As I grew older, I found it painfully difficult to form relationships with people – especially guys – you can forget spontaneity or intimacy. I’d be extremely guarded in physical interactions, becoming increasingly distant and aloof. I would only hold myself in certain positions and was constanly flexing my muscles to always appear toned. My mind and body never truly relaxed. It was completely exhausting.

I kept telling myself that everyone felt the same way, that it was normal to hate yourself. When someone would ask me what I would change about myself physically I’d find myself starting from my foreheard and quickly becoming unable to stop until I was down to my toes. There was sincerely no part of myself that I found acceptable, I felt suffocated constantly by the sheer weight of myself both physically and mentally – it was crippling.

I still struggle with these intrusive thoughts, but thanks to my amazing husband, a great therapist and the strong support of family and friends, I am actively taking control over the problem. I now talk to someone regularly about my past and current struggles and am learning healthy ways to cope. I take Prozac, which at first felt so defeating but now I realize is worth it if it improves my quality of life. I am just now seeing what it is to feel so loved and to be able to wholly reciprocate that love. I finally let my husband put his arm around my waist and snuggle me at night. I am starting to see that we all have at least some sex appeal and am getting braver as far as embracing and exuding that. I find that part the most difficult – outwardly expressing a positive body image, because to be honest, I’m still faking it a lot of days.

There’s a woman to whom I owe tremendous gratitude and she is Danea Burleson. With my one year wedding anniversary fast approaching this summer, and after being in intense therapy since January, I decided my husband deserved a gift that would knock his socks off! He is always going out of his way to compliment me and make me feel gorgeous. He has been phenomenal over the years, patient with my insecurities and mood shifts, never giving up on me. He has always hated how I won’t let people take my picture – typically I’ll throw a fit when a camera comes out because it’s always only ever been painful to see the results. But I knew he of all people would appreciate a picture, so after a couple months, I worked up the nerve to contact Danea for a boudoir photography session – and it has been one of the best decisions ever.

This photo shoot was a testiment to my progress, the love I have for my husband and of course the fact that I have always enjoyed a challenge. The experience was like no other, and surprisuingly I wasn’t even particularly nervous. Danea was professional, friendly and sincere in her compliments. She made me feel comfortable immediately, like we were just 2 friends hanging out. When I saw the pictures, I remember feeling overwhelmed in a great way. I had never really seen myself in a way that didn’t disgust me – quite contrarily, I felt proud! Danea has helped show me that we are all beautiful in one sense or another, and she is gifted in her ability to showcase that beauty. Needless to say, my husband was elated with the gift, and after making some typical macho sexual remarks made sure to tell me how proud he was of me for doing something so far beyond my comfort zone.

Like I said, I still have plenty of down days, but they’re steadily improving. Admitting that I do have a real problem, seeking help and following through with treatment and partaking in this photo shoot have made worlds of difference in my life. My husband and I are closer than ever before in all possible ways. I feel like I am living for the first time instead of just existing – and let me say it feels wonderful to just breathe again.

 

Okay, so yeah, I totally teared up when she sent this to me.

I am so very happy for you Miss J and cannot thank you enough for letting me share your deepest thoughts with everyone. Such an amazing inspiration! So now…  now let’s show ’em just how gorgeous you are!

These next few shots I just love. The outfit was her idea and she rocked the sweet and sexy cowgirl look. Now normally I don’t show nudity on my site but this tushy shot was just too cute not to share.

Bang, bang!

Thanks again Miss J, you did a wonderful job during your session and we shared a lot of laughs! You are beautiful and brave and I can’t wait until we can work together again!

For everyone else… I would love to learn your story too, and I promise you don’t have to share… unless you want to. 😉

Enjoy the rest of your week,